Riding Hard
by MusketeerAdventure
Summary: When first we leave, I push ahead of the others. I could not leave fast enough. After all, running away from demons and ghosts is my talent.


Riding Hard

By: MusketeerAdventure

These are my ideas on a few comments made by Athos that got me to thinking (his point of view).

Riding hard from Pinon, there is no conversation. When first we leave, I push my horse swiftly ahead of the others. I could not leave fast enough. After all, running away from demons, and ghosts are my talent.

Now, that my mount has slowed, I think on my companions; and myself. I am indebted to my brothers, but am measuring my worth. They fought my fight today, and could have died. They exposed my error, and helped me on the road to becoming a better man.

Looking within, I find myself lacking. I am lacking in joy; life; and good character. My only saving grace, these men who choose to ride with me; live my life with me, in spite of myself.

Now that we have slowed to trotting, everyone has relaxed somewhat, and my thoughts are spinning.

What do they see in me? In them, I see much.

Now, looking at Aramis, he seems contented to have survived the battle and is brimming with the aura of good fortune. His smile is wide open; his eyes are bright. I haven't seen Aramis in this euphoric state in months. Free, an open book of excitement and adventure.

The Captain is sitting astride his saddle with a straight back, and piercing gaze. He has moved to the front of our group and is watching the road ahead with authority. His mount, kicking the dust, rocks and debris behind him with such delicate aggression - he is prancing. Treville, seated out in front; on alert. This is how it should be.

Porthos has been distant lately; but now he is regaling the heroism of Pinon. His voice is strong and animated. He is retelling the battle with intricate detail, suspense and nuance. In solemn tribute, he does not fail to remember those who fell bravely. I did not see half of what he saw, or remember it the way he recollects. I feel only the devastating loss, Catherine's hatred and Anne's insanity. His optimism for life is seeping over into d'Artangnan – who rides next to him enraptured by every word he speaks.

Then there is d'Artangnan. His eagerness is written all over his body. His joy of being a musketeer and among his brothers is encased in his laugh, his eyes, his smile, as he hangs on to Porthos' every word; as he looks to Aramis' wide grin; and willingly follows in the shadow of Treville without worry. Then his gaze turns to me; and I see my little brother's adoration. There is no filter here, and I feel a pain in my chest. He follows me to his own detriment. How am I to survive it?

This must end today.

We stop at a creek bed to water our horses and rest before the long stretch into Paris and back to the garrison. I have sent him off to find sticks for the night fire. I need to think.

I have set myself aside, away from the others to be alone by the water. I am not alone for long. It seems my brothers have sensed my dark mood and have come to invade my space. Porthos, Aramis – my life line. I would have been dead years ago, if not for them. Treville stands some feet away beneath a patch of trees watching us. He is one of us – yet apart from us; always the Captain.

We stand in silence for some moments before deafening stillness wills me to speak.

"I told him today, that he doesn't know me." I stare at the water intently, my back to these men – my brothers.

"He knows enough of you to worship you," Porthos answers me soberly. He pulls his hat from his head and swipes at his tired eyes.

I think on this. "That person he worships is not me."

Aramis has read my thoughts again, as he has so many times in the past and counters, "You think because you say to him that he does not know you, that he will not love you?"

"Tonight, I will tell him more of me, of my life. I am hoping then, he will see me for who I really am."

"And if he did know all of you, about the den, he would love you all the same, as we do." Porthos says this with such loyalty. I finally turn to look at him.

"I think he should go away from me, and seek brotherhood from others. You, Aramis." And I gesture over toward the Captain.

"Once I tell him of me, he should go – running, screaming, in relief that he has escaped. I don't know what I was thinking?" I am pacing now, beyond agitated. So much so, that my voice carries far enough for the Captain to hear. So much so, that I do not see d'Artangnan with his arms full of kindling watching and listening to us.

"You were thinking, what we all are thinking Athos. That we could teach him better, yeah? That getting lost in drugs, alcohol, gambling, and women are not the way to work through your sorrows." A small, sad, smile teases at Porthos' lips.

Aramis nods in agreement to his words. "Yes, that we could help him become the best of us. Athos, he will be the best of us. **You** have said it. With our help, with your help, this will happen. But if you turn from him now – he will learn that turning away is how to handle grief. With his help, we are getting better with this. Yes?"

Their words hit home, but I will not be deterred from my mission this night. "I will tell him to leave my side today. He deserves to escape this curse!"

Porthos is flabbergasted. "Curse, what are you talking about?"

I am yelling now. "Please, do not pretend. Death follows me like a shroud. Have you not seen it since the day you met me? Did you not see it today in Pinon? I would spare him this, and have tried to spare you!"

I look up then to see d'Artangnan drop the kindling to the ground and rush toward me. He stops to look me right in the eye. Determination to speak his mind creased in his forehead. "I saw honor, courage, and love for justice." His pronouncement is said with such conviction.

"I don't know what you see d'Artangnan, but this is not me." I look in his eyes prepared to tell him all. His interruption comes swiftly.

"You say, Athos that I don't know you. But I have, and I do. Now I have heard it all. This changes nothing."

I grab the front of his tunic tightly in my grip, and begin to push him back away from me. I hear my brothers' protest and Porthos grabs me to pull me away.

"You know little of me!" I scream at d'Artangnan – physically pushing him away. Breathing hard, I pull away from Porthos' body-hugging grip on me.

d'Artangnan raises his voice now, as I turn my back. "You are stronger than me Athos and could remove me from your side, but if you send me away I will come back."

I raise my hand to try and stop him from speaking, but he is now yelling and pointing his finger in my direction. "If you leave me – brother – I will follow you until I find you."

I move to walk away, but he is right behind me, "If you go from me in death – I will not forget you or forsake you. Athos, you are my family. I won't release you."

I stop in my tracks and he is right at my back. When I turn to face him, there is that look again.

"I love you brother. Please don't make me work so hard." d'Artangnan bows his head. I look to Treville standing under the cover of the trees. His eyes implore me to fix this – make this right. Porthos and Aramis are holding their breaths.

I am resigned. He has won me over. When I pull him into my embrace, Porthos and Aramis join me. Our arms intertwined. We are forever, all for one, and one for all.

d'Artangnan is trembling, his arms around me tight.

With the fire burning before us, and the water at our backs, I tell him of my terrible time in the den.

The end.


End file.
